A Rookie Takes Flight

The following is a transcript of an actual conversation that took place between myself and my new, albeit borrowed, sensei.

Those of you unfamiliar with this horse should know that he is an ego on 4 legs . . . er, hooves. He’s a been there, done that, got the saddle pad to prove it sort. He never learned how to hug as a child so he shows his affection by tossing his head at your face or stepping on your toe while pretending to look the other way. He’s like the high school jock that gives you a head nod instead of a hello. I imagine if he spoke human his voice would be a string of grunts and blended syllables akin to Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain. I wish I knew how to quit him . . .

Anyway, we were schooling over some large jumps for the first time and it went like this:

“Uh, horse . . .?  Do you see that?”
Yep

“Holy crap”
Grunt

“Holy crap. Is the canter okay? Are we straight? Are you gonna go? Seriously, are you? That thing is massive! It’s got its own zip code for crying out loud. Where’s the eject? What does this red button do? Holy crap.”
Sigh

“I don’t see a distance. What if we go long? What if we chip? Why can’t I get a better handful of mane? Who trimmed your mane?! Why didn’t I wear better underwear? Gaaaah!”
Do you ever shut up?

Fence arrives. Horse leaves short, I leave long. I catch horse in mouth.
Dang it rookie, I warned you about that!

(Fast forward 30 days and about as many fences)

“You see that?”
Yep

“Nice day, isn‘t it”
Grunt

Ladies and gentleman, please prepare for takeoff. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

Not bad, kid. Not bad.