Saturday, May 23, 2015

Oh, Waiter . . .

Oh Waiter, I’m a little pressed for time. Would you mind terribly combining my appetizer, salad, soup, entrĂ©e, and dessert into one big pill that I can shove down my gullet while you’re already processing my credit card? That’d be great, thanks.

Time is a funny thing. Not funny haha, more like funny peculiar. For instance, if I’m stuck in traffic for 30 minutes it is like LOSING MY WHOLE DAY! 60 minutes in the saddle, however, is over before I can blink my eyes.

And sleep? Pssshhhhttt. Don’t even get me started. I’m convinced my alarm clock is playing tricks on me every time it goes off. Of course, considering my alarm is a circa 1985 Dream Machine clock-radio, with the optional buzzer or FM tuner function (yeah, pretty high tech), I wouldn’t be surprised if IT doesn’t even know what time it is, or what decade for that matter. In fact, I’ll bet that crusty old clock is drooling on itself right now and at some point will randomly shout “Cheeseburger!” or “Whippersnapper!” or “Damn snooze bar stuck again”.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to find ways to blend tasks in an endless pursuit of efficiency.

And then I think to myself: Self, (sometimes Self answers back, but I don’t count on it) there are 86,400 seconds in a day and you just wasted 300 of them on nonsense.  And there went another 45 realizing you just wasted 300.

It’s the human equivalent of chasing your tail. Entertaining to watch, but not very productive. 

So I endeavor to strategically coordinate my efforts in what amounts to a predetermined game of cat and mouse with the clock: I grocery shop in riding pants and muck boots; though I shamelessly admit that I pretend to be a movie star avoiding the paparazzi (don’t make eye contact, wear a baseball hat, and keep sunglasses on at all costs); I blow dry my hair and drag the fields at the same time; heck, I even started brushing my teeth in the shower, which seemed like a good idea until I used face-wash on my toothbrush because I hadn’t included “contact lens insertion” into my new, ingenious, timesaving strategy. My hair was plaque free and my teeth had a new youthful appearance, without any fine lines or wrinkles.

And now, as I’ve used up 2,795 of my allotted seconds-per-day I realize that regardless of what I do those seconds will turn into minutes, and then those minutes will turn into hours, and then those hours will tick by in the same endless loop that they have since time was invented.

There’s no savings account for time. You don’t get to rollover unused minutes to the next day and you sure as heck can’t take it with you when you’re gone, so why not spend some of that 86,400 on something a little more meaningful; something you CAN carry over into next week, next month, next year.  Why not spend a little of that time smiling over an old photo album, or putting down the pitchfork long enough to enjoy just how blue the sky is or how clean the air smells. An afternoon with the kids before they’re all grown up is a pretty smart purchase if you ask me.  Even though I brushed my teeth with Oil of Olay I don’t think I’m wrong here.

I think I’m exactly right as a matter of fact.

Oh, Waiter, I’ll take that meal in a box instead. I’ve just realized I have an appointment with my front porch and a sunset. And that is something worth savoring.