Friday, July 28, 2017

Being the Bug

Some days you’re the windshield, some days you’re the bug. That’s just science.

At least I think it’s science? Maybe it’s fate. Possibly Karma. Most likely,  just bad planning.  Whatever. The bottom line is that on any given day you’re either the bug or the windshield. You’re either rising above bad luck or wallowing in the mire of it; humming along at a respectable cruising altitude or coming face first with the business end of an SUV that wipes you away with the flick of a finger.

You can even vacillate between bug and windshield within the same 24hour period. I affectionately refer to those days as “White Wine Wednesdays”. Although, pretty much any day of the week that ends in a ‘Y’ can be a white wine day. I’m very flexible.

It usually goes something like this:

Awesome dressage test! I’m the windshield!
Lost my keys. I’m the bug.

Found my keys! Windshield!
Got lost in Stadium. Bug.

Cutest horse ever,  leaping into the water! Shiny, shiny windshield!
Fell off.  Definitely the bug.

Coffee stain on my white shirt; sweaty sports bra glued to my skin; running late for work and out of gas. . .  Bug. Bug. Bug, bug, bug bug bug.


I don’t know how others manage to perpetually be in Time Zone Windshield. They always look polished. Their horses are always spotless with flowing tails that flutter romantically in the breeze. They can hook up their trailer on the first try while I’m recalculating my approach for the 9th time in front of a growing crowd of spectators.

Maybe it’s my imagination, or the wine, but I’d swear even their horses look at me like “Oh my gosh, Bernice, that lady is SUCH a bug. I mean look at her; it’s like, lady, please. Get your act together, you’re bringing our group average down.”

And then they roll their eyes and whisper over the hay pile.

Clearly, I need a plan. Maybe there’s an App that secures your position in Windshield Territory for a low monthly charge of $4.99 when you sign up for automatic recurring payments and agree to daily emails soliciting business from other empty-promise bargain sites.  It guarantees to save you time, money, embarrassment, AND makes your lashes grow!

Obviously no such thing exists (yet). So until then, I will relinquish myself to being the bug and celebrating White Wine Wednesday while I wait patiently to morph into a beautiful butterfly. Then all you Windshields better watch your rear-view mirrors, because that’ll be me sneaking up behind you with a can of spray paint.