Saturday, March 18, 2017

When did I become a Kindergarten Cop?

It’s often said you can tell you’re over the hill when “happy hour” means it’s time for a nap. Now I’m not claiming to be over the hill, but I’m creeping up the hill. The hill has entered the building. The incline is getting steep and my ears are popping.

Let’s just say I’m far enough on the hill to look down and think “wow, I can see my house from here”.

I hate hills.

And yet, I am officially the kindergarten teacher of a farm full of 4 year olds. Except that in addition to being immature, sloppy, and having the attention span of a newt, they all weigh 1,000 lbs. So when one of them is too busy staring at their friend in the hallway and runs into you, it’s a 1,000 lbs RUNNING INTO YOU. And stepping on you. And biting you. And stealing your baseball cap off your head. . . .

I swear I caught one of them eating glue the other day. 

Hi, I'm 4

Hi, I'm 4

Hi, I'm 4

Even the 6 year olds think they’re 4. It’s like they’ve regressed through osmosis while sharing the swings at recess.

They play tug of war with their blankets, breakfast is a competition of musical food buckets, and they practice karate over the last piece of hay.  Apparently interrupting nap time is a Class IV violation.

5 more minutes pleeeeeease???

I try. I swear I try. But when the gelding thinks farting during attendance is funny (and it does make the girls giggle), how am I supposed to maintain one iota of control??

And don’t even start on the hormone changes. We’ve got the night time slumber party of fillies talking about their first period, a paddock of geldings trying to sneak in and scare them with a flashlight, and a yearling who’s voice is changing and has NO idea what those things are that sprang from the surface down there, but he’s pretty sure it makes him the world’s most interesting man.

We stayed up all night playing with
hair and reading Teen Beat

Hello Ladies.
I'm The World's Most Interesting Man

Somehow, amidst all their shenanigans, these kids will learn their ABC’s before vacation. If not, it’s Summer School for the lot. And then I’ll really have my hands full.

Oh dear, gotta run ; one of them just pulled the fire alarm.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Resuscitation of a Blog

 Code Blue . . .  Blog hallway D . . .

Code Blue . . . Blog hallway D . . .


Doctor, I think we’ve lost him.

Get it together woman! [slaps nurse across face]

Yes Doctor

Now listen here, you pathetic, frail, sack of no good outdated words. You breathe! Breathe I say! BREATHE!

Doctor, he’s not responding

[slaps nurse across face]

Start BPR! Call the fire department! Call Tom Cruise! Call Oprah!

Doctor, still no sign of life!

[nurse ducks]

Dammit nurse.  I haven’t lost a blog in 20 years. I’m not starting today. Try harder! Get the big eraser, wipe any contaminated files. He’s got to WANT to make it!

Yes Doctor. Right away Doctor.

Nurse, I’m going for my kale salad. I’ve got to get my brain food in so I can save this dusty old blog and be the hero these people need. Stay with him and don’t touch anything.

Yes Doctor. Of course.

( Doctor leaves room. Nurse leans down over the motionless blog  . . . )

Hey there little fella. I know you’re scared, lonely; nervous that people have forgotten you. But you’ve got to shake it off and come back to us. Think of everything you’ve accomplished, think of the smiles you’ve brought to otherwise empty days. Remember that one about eating ice cream cones on a Summer day? Remember? And you had to use a deposit ticket to clean the chocolate off the steering wheel. That was funny! It makes me chuckle just thinking about it.


And remember the one about Cotton at his first show? Mr James Dean of the horse world; how he talked to the ladies? And how his ego was so big you had to move over in the saddle to make room for it! Oh, it just tickles me every time!


Oh, and who could ever forgot the wonder and sentiment you brought to walking in the hoofprints of greatness? I mean, just look at me, I’m all verklempt. It still gives me the goosies!

You don’t have to be scared of what others will think. You just be you because that’s all you can be. And, well, you’re okay just the way you are. So come back little blog. We still need you. I still need you.

….beep ……beep……beep,beep.. . . beep,beep . . . beep,beep . . . beep,beep .

That’s my boy!

(Doctor walks into room)

Nurse! What have you done?!

[slaps Doctor across the room ]

Then the nurse, looking into the camera, says “I did what you couldn’t do, Doctor. I gave this story the hero it needed.

And you have a piece of Kale in your teeth.”